You’re Not Alone (VI)

I’m not saying these are all about me. I’m just saying if you feel the same way, you’re not alone.

You’re not alone if…

1. You love saying “Bless Your Heart” to people and you don’t live in the south.

2. You are convinced that Justin Bieber’s famous haircut is just a “bowl cut” with the bangs brushed to one side.

3. You don’t wash your jeans every time you wear them, or even every other time.

4. You never would have shaved today except that you have a gynecologist appt.

5. You are totally excited about “Crackle” nail polish and you’re not 20 years old. If you don’t know what “Crackle” nail polish is, don’t worry, by the time you find out, it will probably be out of style anyway.

6. You got bummed out that someone called you “Ma’am” because you still feel way too young be called “Ma’am”—or because you’re a guy.

5. The calculator you bought at the Dollar Store doesn’t work and you’re kind of pissed about it because actually it wasn’t 1.00, it was 1.49 and you contemplated spending that much at a Dollar Store but you really needed a new calculator so you caved and bought it, but it doesn’t work and you didn’t keep the receipt because who keeps their Dollar Store receipts? Are you really going to get in your car and return something that was 1.00 or even 1.49? No, you‘re not. So, you’re stuck with a calculator that doesn’t work, well it works a little— it does everything but divide— but who the hell wants a crippled calculator? Now you’re starting to wonder if the owners of the Dollar Store knew it didn’t work…? But no, they are not like that. You know this because when you got to the store, you had to go to the bathroom really bad and although the bathroom in a Dollar Store isn’t high on your “Bathrooms I Am Dying To Use” list, you really had to go, and on your way to the bathroom you saw a bunch of hand-made artwork on the wall that was made by the Dollar Store owner’s kids. Well, if the owners do stuff like that, they must be really nice people, right? For sure there is no way that they knew the calculator was bad when they sold it, but at this point you are over the calculator and have moved on to thinking that you might need medication because if you weren’t sure before, you’re 100% sure now that you are completely and utterly out of your freakin’ mind.

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